Brighterdays4you’s Weblog

There is a basic structure that is best for good parenting.  When that structure is changed then problems result.

This is the ideal structure. 

1.  The parents are the authority figures.  There are times and exceptions when the child needs to take a parental role or the parents take the child role but these are extremely few and far between and out of necessity.  The roles go back to the norm as soon as possible. 

2.  People are allowed into the family and out of the family but they are people that are known to the family, under structured times and circumstances and those people do not take over the family. 

3.  The parents function as a unit together rather then allowing their children to come between them.  They agree on rules.  They do not argue or contradict each other about rules in front of the children but rather away from them.  There are time when one parent may not agree with what the other parent is doing.  It is better to allow it to happen, unless the child is getting physically hurt, and then wait until later to discuss the disagreement.

4.  The parents communicate with their children to understand their wants and needs.  They do not expect too much or too little of them. Parents need to be flexible enough to take into consideration what the child needs.  If a child needs nurturing instead of discipline then that exception needs to be made.  A case in point is the shift in understanding children with hyperactivity problems.  The thought used to be that the behavior had to be beat out of them.  Now the thought is to understand them and to help them learn how to deal with their behaviors so that they do not get in the way of other people. 

These are some common stuctures where problems take place.

1.  The parents are either overly stuck in their authoritarian role and not allowing for exceptions when needed.  These households tend to be rigid and unyielding.  Although well ordered, the children feel like objects rather than as individuals.

2.  They let the children take care of them and are overly lenient.  These households tend to be chaotic with people going in and out and no rules being enforced.  The children are frequently protective of their parents but are usually neglected.

3.  One is overly lenient and the other is overly strict.  This comes in a variety of forms but it is the most frequent structure.  The children learn quickly that the lenient one will give them what they want however this comes at the cost of the strict one feeling left out in the cold and frustrated because they are seen as the “bad” parent.